*for now but still holding onto a glimmer of hope

Every week, I consider abandoning this blog.  I think about why I am writing and for who.  For me? For readers? For fun?  This week, a girl that I sit on a committee with and see maybe once every two months told me that she is pregnant, is a runner and went on my blog last night and appreciated it.  So here I am, another week, another entry.

Weeks of Pregnancy: 27

Weekly mileage: 0

On  January 24, exactly 3 months from my due date, I marked the official end of my visions of having a perfect and easy pregnancy.

The delusion of “easy” actually started to slip away the Wednesday before, the day I did my last run.  A crappy 3km affair when I just didn’t feel right or comfortable.  It was my body, my pelvis, that didn’t feel right.  Not the baby.  The baby is perfect and fine.

I had pain along the seam in the back of my pelvis where the ilium and sacrum join- along the entire length of the SI joint.  Instead of getting better, like it would from the stress of a hard run, day after day it kept getting worse and worse, despite no running since that Wednesday 3km.  I cleaned the bathroom on Sunday and limped for a few hours after.  Getting in and out of the car was crazy painful. I would limping after.  Rolling over in bed hurt.  Always a bony joint pain. Not cool.

So, long story short, a few trusted people advised me to go to the doctor as nothing should hurt all day long during pregnancy.  My wonderful obstetrician confirmed what I was concerned about.

Two bones in my pelvis, the sacrum + ilium, have started to separate. She says this happens occasionally during pregnancy and usually begins between 25 + 27 weeks.  It’s probably not related to running.  It happens due to pregnancy hormones. Cuses significant pain (no shit).  There’s not really much that can be done for this. I can go to physio. I can hope that it settles.

If this settles, then I will decide if I want to try to run again, understanding it might separate again. My doc told me that this would be up to me.  Physio says that if it settles and there’s no pain for 7 days, then we can make a running decision.  My running coach says something else. Right now, I don’t really care about running as I can’t even lie in bed comfortably. Sigh, such is pregnant life. The baby is 100% fine which is the only thing that really matters to me.

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t at least a little disappointed. In fact, I’m going to give myself permission to feel bad for myself for a few days.  You don’t have to tell me to think about how the baby is healthy or how 12 weeks isn’t very long at all.  I know these things.  Right now, I want to feel bad for myself.

As I consider not running for 3 months, I feel like one of my best friends is moving away for 3 months. I wanted to be the girl who ran until she was 9 months pregnant; the girl that went for a run the day before her delivery.  I wanted to do this, not to impress other people, but because running is something that I love and I’ve loved sharing it with the baby growing inside me.  It’s just what I wanted to do.

Running also met a somewhat selfish need.  I don’t walk around obsessing about what people think about me but at 6 months pregnant, I’m quite aware that when people look at me, all they see is a pregnant woman.  When I’m running, I don’t feel pregnant.  I don’t feel my 16 pound baby bump. Running let me just be myself: a runner, who happened to be pregnant.  Not just a pregnant woman.

But as Mick Jagger taught us, you can’t always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes, well you just might find, you get what you need.

I love the baby more than I love running. More than I want to run, I want a happy and healthy baby and I am blessed to have that.